jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I love you.
Bad choice
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
