The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
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I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
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Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?