Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
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Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
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Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.