one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
