I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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