we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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