ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
