i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
