I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
