The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
