I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
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saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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