So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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