laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
