I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
