I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
