Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
