I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
