She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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