i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
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so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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