walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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