remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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