I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
