don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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