Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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