Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
