I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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