He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
do herpes really smell.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
