I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
