Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
