May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
