Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
