I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
