I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
