Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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