I hate all girls vehemently.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
