Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
last night I used snow as a chaser
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
