You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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