I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.