You smell like stripper and shame
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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