I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
