I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Who died my cat blue again?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
