1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
