I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
