Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
