I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
