She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm too high and old for this...
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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