I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
