The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
