I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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