Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
