im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
