I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
