Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
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