hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
