I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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