i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
