I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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