Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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