1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
