I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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